Mother's Day

Today is my fifth Mother's Day since my first pregnancy. The week leading up to the day was okay. To a certain extent, I was ignoring what was coming and the emotions along with it. That was dumb of me. I keep relearning that I can't run away from my emotions. I might be able to steer clear of situations that make them bubble up, but I still can't avoid these emotions forever.

My mom is the sweetest!

On Friday morning, there was a knock at the door. It was a bit surprising since it's usually only building maintenance that comes to our door especially in the middle of the day. Well, it was instead a flower delivery for me. My mom is always so good to celebrate me on Mother's Day even though I've been a punk and try to ignore the holiday and so I don't do anything for her. I am so grateful to have her as my mother. She doesn't get offended because she's more focused on me and my grief than being celebrated on a day that is set aside for her to be remembered. It's such a blessing to have someone else love and remember J and E.

source

Even with my angel mother and sweet husband, I can't avoid the strong undercurrent of emotions. This is a painting by one of my absolute favorite artists, Caitlin Connolly. Her artwork speaks to me and conveys what I am feeling without having to find the words to say it. (Which is wonderful because I am not particularly good with words.) While the empty arms are obvious, it's what you don't see.

I loved J and E with my whole heart when I just thought there was a possibility that I might be pregnant. It when I started having more symptoms that confirmed my belief, I went through a rollercoaster of emotions, but the one that prevailed was my love for them. They both left abruptly. With E, I started sensing that something wasn't right, but I tried to push the doubt away. Even with that bit of a warning, I was not prepared to lose E. I don't think much of anything could prepare anyone for that. When J and E left me, they took part of me with them. That's what is left unseen. There are holes in my heart and nothing else can fill the hole. I've learned to live with the holes and trust that after I die I will be reunited with J and E thus filling the holes. Day to day, I'm fine. I think about them everyday, but it doesn't make me overly sad or cast a shadow over the rest of the day like it did when their loses were still very fresh and raw.

Mother's day and a few other specific days (like their birthday/due dates, the day they left) are particularly reminiscent of those days just after letting them go. It's hard because even though we talk about how every woman is a mother and that Eve was called the mother of all living before giving birth, it still feels like I'm on the outside looking in on that day. I have two children, but because they aren't seen it doesn't mean I'm a mother. I don't know if I influence them on a day to day basis, but I gave them the only thing I could. I gave them an eternal family. They are not alone in heaven. They have each other as well as a huge number of grandparents and ancestors. J and E have blessed my life as well. They pushed me and got me to decide if I really trusted Jesus Christ and his atoning power to bind my family together. Going to church my whole life and just going along because I believed it wasn't enough. I had grab His outstretched arm with real conviction that He was there and He would lead me back to my children. I've had to relearn what patience is. I love this quote from Neal A. Maxwell. 

"Patience is not indifference. Actually, it means caring very much but being wiling, nevertheless, to submit to the Lord and to what the scriptures call the 'process of time.'"

It is an odd balancing act of caring, but not feeling despair during the waiting. Both Jonathan and I have to shut down negative voices in our heads that point out that we aren't enough today or are some how lacking because we aren't where we should be. We know that we are parents today and we will either have the opportunity to raise all of our children whether in this life or the next, it will happen.

I ran out of w's. Thankfully upside-down m's work!

While there are still days that I ache to have J and E with us here on earth, I know that they are my children today and forever.