Grief

This time of the year is hard for me. It shouldn't be. I love spring and being able to enjoy more time outside after being cooped up for winter.

These flowers didn't even last through February.

It also reminds me of J and E. Their birthdays (really it's their due dates) are coming up. J is 4 and E is 3 this year. Last year was the first time we celebrated their birthdays. It was much better than previous years, but I still want to be selfish and have them here with us. I still think about them every single day.

I came across this scripture in the temple. It has helped
bring peace to my aching heart.

Grief is weird. I don't know if it has changed or if it's just me that's changed, but something definitely changed. I went from every day being a hard day to slowly having a few good ones sprinkled here and there. Now I have certain times of the year that are hard and just random things make me miss them.
(Of course when someone says something condescending about children to us makes for a hard day.)
I started following Emily Meyers ( also known as the Freckled Fox) a few years ago. Her husband died last year and I love what she says about grief.

"First of all, there is no 'other side' of grief. It's never going to pass. You don't ever 'move on' from it. You just learn to live with it. You absorb it. It becomes part of you. You simply adjust and change. You slowly but surely find how to navigate through your new normal with it. It doesn't get easier, you just get stronger. I'll say that again: It does not get easier, you just get stronger.

You stop waiting for the storm to pass, and instead, learn to dance in the rain."

It's hard trying to enjoy life without our trailblazer J and our thoughtful E because I know if they had stayed they would make life so much more rich. I just have to keep reminding myself that they are part of our eternal family.

That is why Jonathan and I were married in the temple. We wanted nothing, including death, to separate us as a family.

Spiritual Enlightenment: Mountains To Climb