Faith

A few years ago, I was scraping by. I felt like an empty shell of a person. Two unexpected miscarriages have a way of knocking you down and out for awhile. It was incredibly hard hearing about other people's miracles because I still fully believe that could have been our story and it wasn't. Instead of building up my faith and hope, those stories made me question God more.

I've often felt like I can see the ultimate goal, but the path is hazy.

I still had an everlasting hope in Christ that I will be resurrected and if I do all that I can I will live with Him and our Heavenly Parents. I couldn't hope that all of my righteous desires would be met in this life though and obviously not in the way expected them.

I needed something more than the faith I already had or more hope. I needed something that could handle anything and everything, not just the life I wanted and planned for. I searched various subjects on lds.org to find anything that could help me. Last year, I came across an article by Elder David A. Bednar titled Accepting the Lord's Will and Timing. I encourage you to read it. The story that hit me the hardest was about a young couple he met that the husband was diagnosed with cancer within the first month of their marriage. The husband and wife throughout the experience had faith for him to be healed. When they asked Elder Bednar to give him a priesthood blessing, Elder Bednar asked him if he had the faith to not be healed. They discussed it and "we increasingly understood that if God’s will were for this good young man to be healed, then that blessing could be received only if this valiant couple first had the faith not to be healed. In other words, John and Heather needed to overcome, through the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ, the “natural man” (Mosiah 3:19) tendency in all of us to demand impatiently and insist incessantly on the blessings we want and believe we deserve."

I had never thought of it in that way before. We regularly talk about having faith to be healed in church, but not about having faith to not be healed. That's what I needed. I needed faith to endure whatever would come and that included not getting my miracle. That way I could honestly say Come what may and love it! I am still weak and occasionally indulge in thoughts and feelings that make it hard for me to be at peace with following the Lord's will. The thing is to keep pushing through the hard times and doing things that bring that peace back to my heart.

Taking my family to the temple helps me reset and remember who God sees when he looks at me.

This has changed my perspective in other aspects of our life. Instead of praying that Jonathan gets the job he interviews for, I pray that he will do his best in the interview and that it will be a positive experience for him. I still want him to get the job, but I recognize that it might not take us down the path the Lord has in mind for us.

I still don't have all of the answers on what our life will look like. I do feel like the fog and haze are thinning. It's still there, but I know we can make it through with each other and the Lord guiding our steps.

June Happenings

Here are some highlights from June.

Jonathan's diploma is here! I need to frame it and hang it with our other diplomas.

Amy R. sent a Mother's day package with all sorts of cute gifts! In it she sent little magnetic frames. Apparently, Garrett is the only person I have small pictures of and so his school pictures are now finally framed!

Jonathan and I went up to the airport in Heber to see some cool old planes and swing dance in one of the hangers. It was a great night!

Jonathan had his first interview with a company we would love for him to work with. The night before we went to the temple to get some extra blessings for Jonathan to be able to do his best in the interview.

It did end up going really well! So, we went out to the Old Spaghetti Factory to celebrate and for him to tell me all about it.

My parents and Amy R's family came into town before our trip up to Idaho. I decided to go to work while they played the days away. It was tough, but it made the week in Idaho that much sweeter!

Jonathan and Garrett playing catch.

Father's Day Weekend

The "parent" holidays can be rough for us. This year, I decided to own Father's Day (instead of being a crying mess) and spend the weekend doing things Jonathan would like to do.

One of our favorite activities is driving around neighborhoods looking at homes. We try to visit model homes, but that's a purely Saturday activity since they close by the time I'm done at work. We got tickets for the Utah Valley Parade of homes and spent the day going from house to house seeing what we liked and a lot of what we didn't like. (It was mostly awkward floor plans that we couldn't stand.)

I love the grey and the ceiling.

I don't think laundry would be as terrible in this room!

I am now sold on smart thermostats.

A free standing soaking tub is in my future!

This is a fantastic idea for a door stop!

I also see a large creative space for me in the future.

Even though we had a great Saturday, Sunday morning was still tough. These holidays bring up a lot of emotions and inadequacies. I was about to indulge in these thoughts, but then I thought about Jonathan and the father he already is. It's not his fault that both of our pregnancies didn't make it full term (and it's not my fault either) and so there's really no reason for him not to be included on Father's Day. Instead of barely making it through the day, I decided to share the father that I see when I look at Jonathan.

Jonathan's choices have had our family in mind long before her met me while there are men in the world that technically are fathers, but choose not to be fathers. Every so often I see a quote saying "If you think my hands are full, you should see my heart." For us it's "If you think my hands are empty, you should see how full my heart is." We make all of our decisions with our children in mind. We truly, deeply love each one of them. I love J and E and I love the rest of our children, no matter how long they are going to stay with us. It doesn't matter. What matters is they are each an essential part of our family. Our family would not be complete without them just as it wouldn't be complete without me or Jonathan.

Jonathan is the father of our family. That's why I married him. I saw that he was already taking on that role and I liked the way he was fulfilling it. I wouldn't have anyone else be the father of my children.

Poppies

I heard about a place in Alpine that had poppies and that it was magical. Jonathan and I had to wait until they bloomed, but it was worth it!

There weren't tons of poppies, but it was still magical! There were a lot of big, happy bees buzzing from flower to flower.

Of course, we took more pictures together!

I guess you could say things are still pretty serious!

I'm so grateful for people who find and share beautiful places to visit! I got the directions to this place from here.

Spiritual Enlightenment: Consider the Lilies

Idaho Falls Temple Rededication

Jonathan and I went up to Idaho for the rededication of the Idaho Falls Temple. This is a very special temple for my family because my grandpa Machen helped build it after he came home from his mission in Tahiti. It was a wonderful weekend.

It started with Ruby not going to sleep on Friday night.

We played for most of Saturday while Chris and Annie did yard work. Ruby fell asleep before dinner.

We were able to watch the youth cultural celebration about the area and the temple. One of the songs they sang was about potatoes. It was very Idaho! Afterwards, we roasted marshmallows in the backyard.

Sunday morning, we went to the second session of the dedication. It was wonderful. I kept thinking about my grandparents and their example of temple service. My life would be bleak without the blessings of the temple. It gives me real hope for the future both for the coming years and after I die.

I can't wait to go inside the temple again!

My Elder Machen

Spiritual Enlightenment: Honorably Hold a Name and Standing - This talk helped me understand the importance of the temple for me as an individual.

Antelope Island

I've been wanting to go on more adventures with Jonathan for a while. Now that he's out of school and we don't expect to live in Utah much longer, we are really working on getting in as many adventures as we can!

Last month we went to Antelope Island. It's been awhile since we took family photos and so we got dressed up.

I'm very blessed to walk through life with Jonathan at my side.

Naturally, after we finished taking pictures I walked out into the water. It was surprisingly clear and a very comfortable temperature. I did make Jonathan touch the water so he can now say that he has touched the Great Salt Lake.

Spiritual Enlightenment: I Will Stay True - I wholeheartedly agree!

Donut Falls

Back in May, Jonathan and I hiked up to Donut Falls up Big Cottonwood Canyon. I like going up there because my great-great grandpa McMillan would hike up that canyon to cut down wood for his family. 

After we reached the falls, I went exploring on the rocks and logs. Jonathan didn't feel like joining me instead he took pictures of me climbing around.

Even with all the warm weather, there was a lot of snow and even more mud on the trail!

Naturally, we had donuts to celebrate our hike!

Spiritual Enlightenment: For the Beauty of the Earth

May Happenings

May went by in a blur, mostly because we were still recovering from Jonathan's graduation festivities.

Amy R. sent my birthday present with tons of confetti in the box.

Yes there is still confetti in our apartment to mix with the confetti I made for Jonathan's graduation party.

My dad accidentally left his Book of Mormon in the car he rented during his trip. This is the one he used on his mission and is overflowing with insight and notes. Thankfully, the car rental place had his precious book and we were able to pick it up for him. Jonathan took pictures of it, so I can fill my own Book of Mormon with his notes.

Those are not rain drops on my windshield. 

It snowed.

In the middle of May.

I still am not okay with that.

Some local graffiti in our apartment complex. In Utah, we sensor our language and use chalk so it can easily be washed away. (Even though it is still there.)

The peonies were blooming and gorgeous! I took this picture on my mom's birthday and never sent it to her. She loves peonies, but can't grow them in hot California. So, here's you're really late birthday flower Mom!

Spiritual Enlightenment: The Healing Ointment of Forgiveness

School's Out Forever (or at least for now)

After taking a nice long break, I've decided it's time to get back into blogging!

I went to see Jonathan present his Senior project. His professors and classmates all loved his version on the Weasley's clock from Harry Potter. When he finished his presentation and opened it up for questions, one of the first ones was when can they buy it.

I was sneaky and took a few pictures of him.

Two short weeks later, Jonathan officially graduated!

On Saturday, we had a party with lots of family.

After all of the festivities, Jonathan decided that for his first week of no homework to have a Harry Potter marathon. Each night when I got home from work, we watched a Harry Potter movie. It was fun, but also nerve-wracking because we were both convinced he should be doing homework instead of hanging out with me. Now that it's been almost two months, we are loving our evenings together!



Spiritual Enlightenment: To the Boys and to the Men - Jonathan remembers this talk when he was a boy. I am grateful that he listened and followed through with the counsel given. I have no doubt that he was able to finish school and get to where he is today because of his obedience. Together, we are now following the counsel given to the men. I know we will be equally blessed for following that counsel.