Six & Five

It's hard to believe that this past week would have been J's 6th birthday and E's 5th birthday. I think about them every day, but during the past few months it's been different. Some of the old aches have come back.

I feel like people don't understand why I still miss them and don't just move on. J and E are just as real as you and I. They are unique from me, from each other, from the Holy Ghost. During my brief pregnancies, I got to know them spirit to spirit because that was really the only way I could interact with them. I would just quietly sit and feel. I can't really describe how it worked, but I received a little insight on their personalities and in some ways they are complete opposites.

Birthday cake flavored ice cream for the April birthdays:
J's, E's, and mine.

I'm just like my mom. At the very first inkling that I might be pregnant, I am completely and totally in love with that child. The price for love like that is high, but I wouldn't have it any other way. It's been quite awhile since I've experienced the grief to this extent, but I always have it with me. All those years ago, it crushed me because I wasn't strong enough to carry it. In time, I've gotten stronger and stronger. That's why I now share more about my children. I am strong enough to carry my burden. I feel like by sharing my story I might be able to help someone carry their own burden because they can see that I was not defeated by the grief even though for a long time it felt like I was going to be swallowed up by it.

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I feel so blessed and grateful that I have two amazing children that are sealed to Jonathan and me. When we were dating, I didn't realize just how vital it would be for our family to be sealed so that no matter what happened we could be together for eternity. I knew that it was important and I did want an eternal family. I didn't realize that I would need to rely on the covenants that we made so early on in our marriage. I had to choose to trust the power of Jesus Christ to bind my family together. It was not easy and it was a process, but I can say today that through Jesus Christ I have an eternal family and I know that I will have the opportunity to raise J & E with Jonathan at my side so long as we keep our covenants. They help me hold fast to those covenants.

I don't know what the future has in store for us, but I am so grateful for my wonderful children in heaven. Our family is not complete without them.